Chapter 16: The Plight Of The Hamartian

COW wakes up from his nap for a second, and realizes he will be kicked out of his Dilapidated Farmhouse in one day. He shrugs and falls back asleep, dreaming of Plenarius...

Wesley (now King Wesley) gets a refreshing night’s sleep on a wooden bench and then wakes up and goes to war. The plan is to bring down the planet of Salemear.

Wesley goes to Salemear with the intention of sneaking into the palace, so he disguises himself as a Hamartian by putting in hair extensions. He easily sneaks past the drunk palace guards, and breaches the palace wall, quickly finding a conveniently unlocked secret room. In the secret room he finds his old babysitter from back when he was a baby; it’s Doeron, the only surviving android! Doeron gives Wesley his father’s signet ring and pledges to fight for Wesley to the death.

Next, Wesley heads up to the throne room where the evil Hamartian leader Matas is sitting on the throne. Wesley declares himself King of Plenarius, and Matas is like, “Who are you, you stupid ugly peasant? Here, let me give you a quick tour of the palace before I kill you!” Wesley fumbles with his lightsaber, but his hands are broken and mangled, so he is unable to turn it on. Matas grabs Wesley and smashes Wesley’s head through the trophy case, saying “This is the skull of Shauel your father! Now I am going to put you in the case too!” After that Matas does a total pro-wrestling move, and lifts Wesley above his head with both hands and hurls Wesley into the case again, completely shattering it. Wesley is now lying on the floor, covered in broken glass, blood everywhere, as Matas prepares to behead him...

As Wesley’s consciousness fades, he mutters to himself “Help, Yeshua...” and his hand falls upon the Sword of the Lord (AKA the Master Sword from Legend of Zelda). Suddenly the sword glows with a brilliant light! The pieces of glass fly out of Wesley’s body and his broken bones are healed! Wesley’s garment begins to glow with a whitish hue, and his stature is increased by a foot! Wesley takes the Sword of the Lord in hand and “cleaves Matas in twain.”

Meanwhile, General Steven and Wesley’s army destroy the force field of Salemear (of course all the Hamartian soldiers were drunk and not paying attention) and begin destroying the planet. They swing by and pick up King Wesley at the palace, and he commands his army to “Leave none alive! Not a man!” (Nothing like some old-school Old Testament genocide!)

And that is where the chapter ends. Wesley has retaken the throne and has destroyed his first planet, leaving not one soul alive. (In other words, King Wesley, God’s chosen one, the man after God’s own heart, goes ahead and burns women, kids, houses and villages) And everyone is jumping up and down yelling “Kill! Kill!”

THE TRUTH OF OUR UNIVERSE

(Please do not form a cult.)