Chapter 19: The Truth About The Messiah

Wesley (my dear sweet Wesley) lands the Survivor in Springfield, MO just as dawn is breaking. The Lord shows him exactly where to put the ship, right next to our narrator’s dilapidated farmhouse. Our narrator, Curt Owens, stumbles out of his vibrating house and is knocked to the ground by a force field wave. The android, Doeron, appears and says, “Do not move thou small one of Earthy.” And then Wesley majestically descends the ramp and appears before Curt, wearing an ornamental overcoat that has long points on the front. The points on the overcoat remind Curt of beards (??).

Wesley and Curt exchange pleasantries, and the other two Plenarians on the Survivor appear as well. Just to refresh your memory, there are four Plenarians on the Survivor: King Wesley, Doeron the last android, Wesley’s brother Eurisko, and Wesley’s friend Diokousi. Now, I want to point something out here, Doeron says that he does not trust Diokousi, even though Wesley trusts him. Is this perhaps foreshadowing? In future chapters, could Wesley possibly be betrayed by... Diokousi? We’ll find out, but don’t say I didn’t warn you!

They all stand around the yard and chitchat, mostly about the Messiah, A.K.A. Jesus Christ. Wesley seems to have forgotten about the Hamartians he was pursuing. Curt runs into the farmhouse and brings out his Bible, and they look up a million different Bible verses about the Messiah. They’re pretty much just having Bible study at this point. They read about the death of the Messiah, and a single tear rolls down Wesley’s cheek. Meanwhile, Eurisko falls to the ground sobbing. Doeron and Diokousi don’t give a shit.

Curt is like “No, no, it’s ok! He’s not dead! He rose from the grave and went to heaven and saved man from sin and gave us eternal life!” Suspicious, Wesley snatches the Bible from Curt and goes back into the ship. Curt runs into the farmhouse real quick to grab his manuscript and pen, and then follows Wesley and company into the ship.

As Wesley is reading the Bible, they notice five Chinese ships flying toward Springfield, MO (in case you forgot, World War III is underway), but Wesley is like “Whatever.” Wesley is pissed off because the Jews of Israel killed the Messiah, and Curt is like, “No, no, the Romans killed him too!” And then Eurisko falls to the ground sobbing again and says “My hands are covered in blood! I killed the Messiah!”

Yes, you did kill the Messiah, Eurisko, you sinful, guilty son of a bitch who deserves an eternity in hell just for being born! Geez, I’m glad someone around here gets it.

Anyway, Wesley now understands, and he says, “I am sinless, but I understand why Eurisko is weeping.” Um... did anyone else forget about the fact that Wesley is SINLESS? WTF? I forgot all about that! I knew he was God’s chosen one, but I didn’t realize he was sinless! I thought he was a David (God’s favorite but not perfect). I forgot he was actually Jesus, Part 2! Anyway...

While they’re all talking about the Messiah, the Chinese airplanes drop a bunch of bombs on Springfield, MO. Curt is slightly alarmed by this, but Wesley prays with him, and they realize it is God’s will and he feels better.

As the chapter ends, they all decided to walk into Springfield, MO with a bag of medical supplies and help the victims of the bombing.

Don’t worry folks! If you happen to live in Springfield, MO, and you happen to get bombed by the Chinese, don’t be sad! It’s all God’s will! You’ll be fine! If you die or whatever, it’s cool, as long as you have accepted eternal life and all that. Who cares about this life anyway? But don’t take my word for it! Just put your trust in....

THE TRUTH OF OUR UNIVERSE

(Please do not form a cult.)