Chapter 30: Exoh’s New Home

This is the LAST CHAPTER of the LAST PROPHET’S BOOK! CAN I GET AN AMEN?

Wesley and his crew road trip back to Plenarius listening to back-to-back episodes of Focus on the Family’s Adventures in Odyssey.

If only. They actually spend the entire road trip listening to Wesley read the Bible.

Anyway, on the way back to Plenarius, the ship’s scan picks up a life form on one of the moons. For some reason, Wesley knows that this just has to be Exoh, the former king of the Hamartians (I think). Wesley insists on landing on the moon by himself, that he must face Exoh alone. He says that it has something to do with “God’s test.”

Wesley lands takes the Survivor on the moon base, and it is noted that “The Survivor had been fairly well repaired, except for a small force-field patch in the back of the ship.” Foreshadowing!

The face of Exoh appears on Wesley’s screen, and Wesley gives Exoh a chance to surrender, but of course Exoh says no. Exoh throws a fit and calls Wesley a murderer (true). Exoh mentions the recent slaughter of all the Hamartians on Plenarius, and calls it genocide (also true). He also calls Wesley a stupid dummy fart face (also true, but he didn’t actually say that. What he really called Wesley was “the bane of the gods.”).

Wesley responds that the destruction of the Hamartians was their own fault, and he throws out a cutting quote from the Book of Wisdom, “Righteousness builds up a people, but sin destroys a people.” If I were more motivated, I would look and see if this is an actual quote from the Book of Wisdom. Then again, the last time I cracked open my own dusty Book of Wisdom to look something up, it did not go well. I ended up getting pissed off and ranting for half an hour about how I couldn’t believe that I once took all of this bullshit seriously. Yeah, on second thought, let’s skip the Book of Wisdom!

So, Wesley is an idiot and underestimates Exoh. Exoh decloaks behind him, shooting a missile right into that hole in the Survivor’s back side! The Survivor is completely fucked. It flips over and Wesley ends up on the ceiling, and it looks like Wesley is toast. Over the intercom, Exoh gives Wesley his best Evil Villain Cackle.

Wesley knows that he is dead meat, so in his last moments, he turns to the Lord in prayer. He isn’t super worried about dying. Wesley has always been pretty cool with death, whenever, for whatever reason, as long as he knows it’s the will of God. But Wesley is worried about one thing... He doesn’t have any kids! Wesley’s sperm (much like the sperm of Curt Owens) have been like lost ships in the night, lonely travelers without a home. In rare moments of guilt-ridden masturbation, perhaps these forlorn reproductive cells were shot into a shameful Kleenex and then tossed furtively into the garbage, the only fitting place for any result of sexual stimulation not within the confines of the heterosexual marriage bed. Never once did Wesley have the opportunity to place his kingly rod into that warm, moist, inviting place of sin and temptation made holy and sacred only within the boundaries of marriage between one male Plenarian and one female Plenarian.

So as Wesley faces death in the next five seconds, he tells God that he accepts his death, and he kind of accepts the fact that he has no kids, but he does ask one thing, that he could hear God’s voice, just this once before he dies.

“Two... one.” Exoh counted. He giggled.

And then, as Exoh pushes the Button of Instant Annihilation... what is perhaps the ultimate climax of The Last Prophet’s Book occurs! For the first time, and for the last time... GOD SPEAKS!

“‘Go and finish the job that I have sent you to do.’ The Lord spoke clearly and loudly but also gently.”

Everyone, take a moment to let that sink in. Stop and ponder this deep, inexorable truth of our universe.

Now, continue.

Exoh pushes the button and the Survivor gets blown to pieces. Exoh laughs “horrendously.” Suddenly another ship appears in front of Exoh’s ship and blasts him, sending him crashing on the moon, where he wanders around the moon’s surface for a bit, looking for Wesley, saying great things like “Wesley, wake up, it’s time to die.” Anyway, after a few minutes, Exoh dies of lack of oxygen, either that or he gets hit by a falling shield, I’m not sure.

How Wesley and God accomplished this feat, I really can’t say. I think at the last second as the Survivor was blowing up, Wesley managed to get into one of the little ships, get away from the explosion, and then shoot down Exoh’s ship? Or something? It doesn’t matter. What does matter is that God did it, and it’s a MIRACLE.

And so, Wesley and his crew return to Plenarius and everyone lives happily ever after. Wesley marries his high school sweetheart Kallos and has a billion kids. Curt isn’t allowed to marry a Plenarian, so he goes online and gets himself a mail-order bride from China and they are very happy together, and Curt lives to be 183 years old.

THE END. All that remains now is the Epilogue, and then we are left to ponder the Prophet’s words as we wait for the Second Coming. But the wisdom of the Prophet is not for we lucky few alone. Thanks to Amazon self-publishing, anyone who chooses can read and study and learn all about...

THE TRUTH OF OUR UNIVERSE

(Please do not form a cult.)