Chapter 5: A War Without Roses

Ugh. The war continues.

Question: What is every war that is NOT the actual War of the Roses called? Answer: A WAR WITHOUT ROSES! Really, C.O.W? Really?? You don’t say!

One thing we are seeing more and more frequently is the Plenarian salute, in which one brings one’s fist quickly to one’s forehead. Everyone, try it with me now. Bring your fist quickly to your forehead. Good job! Now, don’t you feel ridiculous? Well, you look ridiculous! Try not to accidentally punch yourself in the forehead! Typing out Plenarian salute over and over is tedious, so from now on we will simply call this move “fisting.”

There is a lot of fisting in this chapter.

Hamartia is pissed off. Their king is dead. Their planet has been destroyed. So, the Hamartian general Gahenna lands on Plenarius, and is destroying it city by city, killing all the men and boys and enslaving the women.

King Shauel is doing a shitty job fighting off general Gahenna, and his people are starting to get worried, but King Shauel is like “No, no, I have a plan. We are going to wait around and do nothing while we build this giant ship called Supahmote. And then, in a few months, we’ll destroy the Hamartians with a surprise attack! It’s gonna be great.”

So, the day of the surprise attack finally comes, and King Shauel is pretty excited. He is gloating. Every character in this book seems to gloat at some time or other. Let me see if I can describe this exciting battle for you:

King Shauel of Plenarius readies the giant supership Supahmote; it is seen to rise from below the ground. (The image of this giant ship rising from below the ground to defend the city of Tokyo from the Angels definitely has an anime feel. Jones, do you know if C.O.W. was into anime? Did he watch a lot of Neon Genesis Evangelion or what?)

As King Shauel is readying his Eva (I mean Supahmote), General Gahenna of Hamartia decides to drop 69 torpedoes on the city of Emit.

Wait, wait, wait, I don’t know anything about weapons and war and shit, but shouldn’t it be MISSILES not torpedoes? I’m too lazy to google it, but aren’t missiles the ones that fly through the air, and aren’t torpedoes the ones that go underwater? Anyway...

It isn’t clear what happens next, but one way or another, King Shauel once again fucks up royally (no pun intended) and does not manage to destroy the 69 torpedoes. Because of his strategical error, the torpedoes hit their targets, destroying both the city of Emit with a giant nuclear blast, AND destroying the giant supership Supahmote as well! It is a catastrophe!

General Gahenna appears on King Shauel’s talkie-screen, and he is holding a woman’s severed arm, and he is like “Hey, King Shauel, we found your daughter Nemueli! Hahahaha!”

Once again, random, awkward, gratuitous violence! Yay. It is like the Old Testament had a baby with an 80’s Arnold Schwarzenegger movie.

After this disaster, King Shauel realizes that he was an idiot, and he goes to the temple and wallows in dust and ashes for 30 days. His advisor, the old prophet Theophilus, comes to him and tells him that, because of his arrogance and pride, God has smitten him and that judgement has already been determined over Plenarius. However, there is hope. Not all of King Shauel’s offspring will be destroyed. God will save a remnant, and they will start over. And, in the future, peace will once again reign over Plenarius.

But King Shauel is pissed off by this and throws a fit, which in turn pisses off Theophilus, and Theophilus is basically like “Fuck you, Shauel. God just revealed something to me—you will die in half a year.”

What an exciting cliffhanger! Can’t wait to see what is gonna happen next! Tune in next time for Chapter 6...

THE TRUTH OF OUR UNIVERSE

(Please do not form a cult.)