Chapter 1: Told and Cold

This chapter is the best thing COW has ever written. Granted, the bar is low. Can he please just start writing high school melodrama instead of science fiction? All I’m saying is that this chapter went down relatively easy. It was kind of like reading The Babysitters Club (my apologies to Ann M. Martin).

I hate the new rhyming thing that COW is doing for his chapter titles. Told and Cold. Obnoxious. Truly a despicable affectation. It fills my heart with a deep and unspeakable loathing.

So this chapter is all about the high school shenanigans of our protagonist, Barar. I think Barar was an evil scientist from Time to Turn Back. I think? Anyway, now he gets his own book!

Here’s a question for you: Who is the most beloved character in the COW trilogy? 

Maybe Zarakagiah? Or Wesley? Or what about Kabob? Or Kabob’s sister? Or An? Or Gahenna? Or maybe Science Daddy? Or John the Homeless Guy?  Or Deborah the A.I.? Or Eric the Fish?

No. The most beloved character in the COW trilogy is Barar. He is so popular, in fact, that he gets his own book. When it comes to famous fictional villains, Barar is at the top of the list. We’re talking Darth Vader levels of popular. 

The book opens with a teenage Barar taking his girlfriend for a joyride in his dad’s fancy car, and he accidentally scratches the car. He doesn’t want his dad to yell at him, so to cover his ass, he launches the car through the garage door on purpose and totally destroys the car. Total Anakin Skywalker move.

When Barar is seventeen, the King of Plenarius comes to his high school assembly, and congratulates all the students for being awesome. After the assembly, Barar’s girlfriend Qiong implies that they should get married and Barar is like “Ew, no, I can’t marry you! You’re poor, and my dad is a cardiologist. Anyway, my parents have already arranged for me to marry a rich girl. And besides, you’re my best friend, but I’m not in love with you.”

Qiong is heartbroken/pissed, and it becomes so awkward at school that Barar requests to be transferred to different school. And then Barar meets his future bride and he hates her because she’s a stuck up rich brat, so he makes goofy faces at her and spills things on her in the hopes of not having to marry her.

Hmm...when it comes to your parents picking out your future bride, it pays to be a...

SKEPTIC