Chapter 10: Rested, But Time Tested

Years have passed since the stupidity where Barak got stuck on a random planet and had to scavenge a deceased kitten’s hyper-drive to get back to Plenarius. And now that he’s back on Plenarius, he’s worked up an appetite. Is Barak hungry for… KABOBS?

Guess who’s back! It’s our old friend Kabob and his sister Falafel. Remember that part in TTTB when Falafel got stuck in the thing, and Zarak had to go in and save her, and then Kabob and Falafel disappeared, or were banished, or something? 

So before Falafel got stuck in the thing, Kabob and Falafel were working on the SLEEP project, which is, you may recall, that stupid thing that allows you to become smart in your sleep. I believe that SLEEP learning is how Wesley became a mega-genius in the LPB. So the SLEEP project is a big hit, and all the schools on Plenarius are doing it, but then it turns out that SLEEP learning is actually harmful. Kids start getting lazy and skipping class because they can just learn everything in their sleep (and also a few kids died), so Kabob and Falafel are stripped of their titles and leave Plenarius. After the project is dismantled, all of the SLEEP machines are stored in a vault except for one, which the King takes for himself

More years pass, and now Barar is building a new time machine, but he is concerned about running two time machines at once so he unplugs the old one. The King chooses a criminal to be the test subject for the new machine, and Barar sets the coordinates to send the criminal one minute into the future. However, a moment later, the prisoner explodes and splatters all over the machine, the walls, the King, and Barar himself. Uh oh… corpseplosion! (A pesky side effect of time travel.) Barar calmly removes his glasses and uses his shirt to wipe off the warm arterial spray and assorted viscera. 

“Things did not go well that week after that.”  

Two years pass, and it’s time to test the machine again. The King brings in another prisoner and they give the machine a whirl, sending the test subject one minute into the future. Suddenly, they hear thunder outside, mixed with screaming. Barar finds the prisoner in a field, having fallen some distance and suffering dozens of brokens bones and massive internal bleeding. 

“I would say, however, it was a successful time jump.”

Okay wait what?  

But… but… it wasn’t a time jump so much as a teleportation that opens up a portal hundreds of feet in the air and drops the test subject into a field! If it was a successful time jump wouldn’t the test subject still be in the machine? What does time jumping have to do with falling out of the sky and plummeting to your death?

Anyway, Barar is not alarmed, he simply realizes that the planet is out of alignment, so he adjusts the gravitational field to compensate. Easy peasy lemon squeezy!

Now it is time for test number three. The test goes great, except for the small detail that the time machine is now gone, and only a hole in the ground remains. Even the computers and the “bundles of wires” are gone. 

Actually, the second time machine isn’t so much gone, it has just moved to the site of the old time machine. Hmmm… 

So the King was fine with the first prisoner exploding, and he was fine with the second prisoner falling out of the sky and suffering fatal bodily trauma, but the King is not okay with the time machine appearing in a different spot. The King decides to throw in the towel, and the time machine project is shelved for decades. 

But Barar keeps fucking around with time manipulation anyway, behind the King’s back. When it comes to worrying about time manipulation causing a Back to the Future-style fiasco where you end up seducing and then boning your own mom and as a consequence you are never born (or if you are born then you are also your own dad), I guess you could call Barar a SKEPTIC…