Chapter 22: Nonsensical Reason for Treason

This chapter is short. I am so, so thankful. Also, it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for! IT’S POEM TIME!

The Hamartians are finally defeated and there is a big party. Move over bread of sadness, it’s time for the bread of awesomeness. Speaking of awesomeness, Deborah, the original AI girlfriend who dated Zarak and awkwardly snooped through his personal life and sexual history (or lack thereof), is back, baby. She used some of Barar’s liquid metal that can turn into any weapon, and made herself a body that could somehow talk. Barar, who also has always had a soft spot for AI girlfriends (so much easier to deal with than actual girlfriends) starts dating Deborah himself, and he spends a lot of time working on her eh, body. He builds her something that is more sexy than the liquid metal nightmare she crapped together, and he uses parts of a not terrible looking namakil body. He obviously makes sure she has anime girl boobs. You know the ones I’m talking about:

Once Deborah is *presentable*, Barar brings her before Wesley, and Deborah tells Wesley “You’re so cool, senpai!”

And instead of being down with a cute anime girl flattering him, Wesley responds in the most stuffy, Old Testament-y way possible and says “Hope not in me, my friend. Place your hope in God, who has the power to say and do.” (Potential memory verse?)

Wow dude, at this rate, Wesley is going to live to be at least 800 years, and like Zarak, he is going to die a virgin. Maybe someone can at least get Wesley, I don’t know, one of those anime girl body pillows? You know the ones I’m talking about:

Anyway, for whatever reason, Deborah is butthurt and mad not at King Wesley, but at Barar. Barar clearly worked hard to make her a cute and sexy anime android girlfriend body so I’m not sure why she’s mad, but she throws down some sick rhymes that are clearly meant to call out Barar in front of the king, and show Barar for the two-faced traitor that he is. It’s basically that rap battle scene in 8 Mile and Deborah is Eminem. I would type out the poem here, but I’m too lazy to do so. However, I do encourage you to read the poem out loud to get the full effect. I read it out loud to Perry. THREE TIMES. (And it got worse every time.)

“Restoration a far flung tart.”

Tart is in hooker? Or tart as in Pop Tart? What does this sentence mean? Can someone please tell me what this sentence means? Are tarts something that normally get flung? I propose a pop tart throwing contest. Hear me out. We get a box of pop tarts and fling them and see whose tart is the most far flung. Maybe then, and only then, will the line begin to make sense to me. 

And remember, “Speculation is no softened peach.” What?!

So the gist of the poem is that Barar is a traitor and Deborah is outing him in front of King Wesley. Barar feels betrayed and tells Deborah “You are condemning me to death… This is betrayal!” And he flings himself before Wesley’s throne. Unfortunately Barar does not attempt to continue the rap battle and answer Deborah with a sick burn poem of his own, which is obviously what he should have done. 

King Wesley is confused and asks Barar why he is going by a dorky fake name, etc, and Barar says “I’m not that person anymore. I am new.” And then, for good measure, he says again “I am new.”

And instead of being mad, King Wesley is excited because he’s heard about all the “insane and amazing things” that Barar has done, and he is looking forward to hearing Barar’s story, but by the end of Barar’s long ass story will Wesley still be excited? Call me a SKEPTIC…